At the start of this semester, one peculiar thing has bothered me a lot all throughout the days… It’s hard to explain but I think something in my feelings has changed. A change that I should never felt because it might hurt me in the end… What is it?
Many people would say that the more you deny that you have no feelings for someone, the more that your feelings will grow… For me, I always advice my friends about that thing but it never happened to me not until now. Maybe it’s strange but I think or I should better say, I was slowly falling in love for someone whom I think is very impossible to love me back. I was not hoping because I don’t want to get hurt. I often say to others that they should not assume that the one they like or love will have the same feelings with them because of course, we don’t own or hold their hearts to love us too… But I guess, I should better advice myself about that thing.
I never think that love would come again to me… For more or less two years in my life after my last relationship, I was contented being a single or I should better say that I tried to be contented with my status. I was happy but not so much. I was free but sometimes I wish someone would stop me from doing a thing. I don’t need to fix any problems but sometimes I wish I have. I was glad seeing sweet lovers but sometimes I get jealous too. Is it wrong to be single? No, of course. It’s just that, it’s not always right to be alone. Sometimes, we need companion, we need an inspiration, we need someone to rely on aside from our friends. Someone who could understand us and someone who will take care of us when we don’t have time for ourselves. Someone who would show his concern to us and someone who will share his love to us.
I’m not looking for love… I just badly need it (sometimes, I would think that way). Many times in my life, I always think that I was lack of love… Well, it’s not actually true because my family and friends do love me… I just think that way because I wish I could go into a relationship. Funny isn’t it? Well, as a matter of fact, the reason why I didn’t go into a relationship because I was looking for someone who would fit my standards but I guess I was wrong of thinking that way… meeting your standards will never satisfy you, actually. Well, I guess God do has a purpose on why He didn’t allow me to go into a relationship maybe because I have something else to do rather than this one. So, what’s the lesson? Don’t find love, let love find you. Just wait. It will come. Far better than what you’ve dreamt of.
Don’t look for love…
Posted by _elated_ at 9:27 PM 0 comments
It’s part of growing up!
This expression has been my favorite punch line to other people especially if they commit a mistake without thinking that it would happen to me too. No one is perfect in this world and so am I. Every individual is facing different obstacles on the way, whether it is good or bad. These things came into our lives because it has a purpose whether to make us strong if it is a failure or to make us gain our confidence if it is an accomplishment.
Just after the semestral break in our school, I already encounter one of the most excruciating problems in my entire life and that is when I fail my subject in Statistics I. I don’t know how would I explain the feeling but let me narrate to you what had happened during that day. The date was October 21, 2008 between 10:00 and 11:00 in the morning when a friend of mine had texted me and her message goes this way: “Maam Terror had already released the grades and I’m sorry to tell you Yan, you didn’t make it.” At first, I close my eyes and I glance again into my cell phone making sure that I was wrong but I’m not. I’m waiting for her text again if she will going to tell me that those things that she have said earlier was only a joke but I was frustrated because my cell phone didn’t rang once again.
I then feel the pain deep within my heart. It’s like there is a small pin that hits my heart which became big and big and it really hurts a lot. My tears fell and I wish I could stop it from falling but I can’t, it just drop continuously. I’m not just upset, I was blaming myself and ask God: Why is this happening to me? Why me? Have I been not a hardworking student? Disobedient daughter? Unpleasant sister? Violator in this society? Am I not worthy to pass the subject even if I give my best just to be part of the passing grade that she had given?
Those questions make me feel at worst. I felt like I’m not a good follower of God and these things happened to me because I don’t have faith on Him. The pain had reached at its peak after I was able to open up with this problem with my parents and my sister. I felt guilty because I was not able to pass it. I’m thinking of their hardships in their work like facing hardheaded people and advising them to follow the rules and regulations and another one is that, my sister is so intelligent while me? I even fail my subject, how could I praise myself?
The whole day I was crying but then I was relieved because of the advices that my parents, my sister and my friends have given me in order for me to be reassured and then I realized so many things and I was able to promise to myself that I would not cry anymore with regards to this problem. What are those things? This is just an obstacle in my life and there’s a lot more and instead of thinking negative about it, I should be thinking in the positive way like God has a purpose why I have failed on this and this failure will make me a more determined person to strive hard with my studies, putting all my trust on Him and believed in my capability that I can overcome all the difficulties that I will be going to encounter while I am taking my path to success.
In Psalm 34:17, it says that “The righteous cry out and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles”. This only means that God will never leave us alone. He will always be there to guide, protect and deliver us out of all the troubles that we are experiencing. And there is one more thing that makes me alive and happy today. What is it? It is when I finally accept it. The only thing that could heal all the wounds is acceptance and I did it! And I can now praise myself!
This failure is just part of my past and I realize that…… This is just part of growing up! Wonderful isn’t it?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Posted by _elated_ at 4:57 AM 0 comments
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