Unspoken Affection

What love is? I wonder how it began, where it came from and who the creator is. All I understand about “love” is that it is a powerful word that is said to the people who are very special in your heart. But how can this four letter word a mighty one? Is it when it is said by the people who are special to you and it really affects you and you feel so happy? Or when you’re heart is beating so fast that you can hardly breathe every time he’s with you or maybe you feel like you’re floating in the sky whenever he will ride with you in a car, give you flowers or chocolates or invite you for a date? Is that what love means to you?

Love for me, isn’t just a word that is used by the people in order to get who they like and who they want or it is a way to impress people that you had this capability to go in a relationship. Love is a strong and righteous word. It is a promise to the person that you’re going to treasure and cherish her/him and that promise should not be made if you mean to break it.

Promises are made to be broken as what they say but so far, I didn’t ruined any promise that I’ve made and it really hurts when the one you’d trusted so much are the ones who will make you cry and suffer. It was painful because you’re expecting them to treasure you but then, they will dump you afterwards.

My love life wasn’t that happy. I had gone to four relationships. The longest affair that I had was three months, the two were two months and the other one was two weeks. Weird isn’t it? If it’s a big question that I consider it as a slight love it’s because of my sincerity to the relationship that I had. For considering them as an important person in my life is such a big slapped to me because they we’re not able to show that thing to me.

What is the beginning of my love story? Who are the persons who capture this small heart of mine? And how did those love stories ended? Well, let’s start with the first time that I had experience to have a crush. His name is Kenn Anthony Apique, he was grade three by then and I was a grade one student. I met him because he was my sister’s classmate. He was always invited to my sister’s birthday and every time that I see him, I was blushing or I would run to my room and I will hide under my bed. I was ashamed because my family knows that he’s my crush and they used to tease me whenever he’s in our house but later on, the infatuation has vanished.

I was nine years old when I discover my first love. His name is Florante Bertulfo Jr., my classmate. He was not handsome nor he is taller than me, in short, he was not a kind of person that you’ll get attracted to but he has that so called “sex appeal” that’s why I’m not wondering that many of my classmates including me were captivated by his charm. I was so proud at that time that I fell in love with him and even my classmates knew about my feelings for him however, my puppy love for him has ended when I reached first year high school. I stopped loving him or I should say that I’ve tried to stop my feelings for him when I heard a rumor that he was courting a friend of mine. Well, it was the first time that I felt pain and I shed tears because of a guy. I felt I was unlucky again when I reached my second year in high school and for the second time, I was broken hearted when my crush is courting another friend of mine. I was upset at that time because I feel like I was so unfortunate in terms of love and I thought that all the persons that I’ve learned to love weren’t able to like me and instead they fell in love with my friends.

I’d stopped adoring men for months until I’d reached third year. At that time, suitors came into my life and I wasn’t expecting that because I thought no one dares to like me but I was wrong. They said that they’ve like since we were still in first year. I was innocent about their untruthful speeches and alas, I fell into a two months relationship and my first one. He was a volleyball player or I should say, he is the star player of the volleyball team in our school. Our relationship was not because of love because I was just influenced by my friends to say yes although I felt something for him later on but it wasn’t enough for me to stay in the relationship so I decided to end the affair. That incident was on January 13, 2006 and two days after the break-up, that was Monday, I found out that he has another relationship other than me and I was a little bit angry because he was such a liar when he said that it was only me that he has courted and then, I realize that I never made a wrong decision to end up with him. Two weeks after, my close friend has confessed to me that he has feelings for me and he wants me to be his girlfriend and I refused him because my feelings for him weren’t more than just friendship but then, he asks me for a deal. It was a two weeks deal wherein he will be my boyfriend and I’ll be his girlfriend. At first, I say no once more but he’s begging and then he promised that after the deal, our friendship will stay the same so I said yes and the relationship had gone to two weeks only and as he’d promised, the friendship is still there.

The next relationship was the worst and the anguished relationship that I had although it was the longest affair. It was also the relationship wherein I shed tears every now and then. It was March 3, 2006 that I’ve said “yes” so fast for the first time to my suitor. He was a kind of “torpe” but he was able to confess to me. He was a shy and a quite person that’s why I’ve learned to love him in just a span of time. In addition, he was a religious, kind and an honest person as what they say. That’s why also, I’m expecting that he will not cause pain to me. But the happiness that I’ve felt were stopped for a moment because after two days, I cried because I was embarrassed when I call him to speak with me because I had something to discuss with him and he never showed up that’s why I told his friend that we will have this so called “cool off”. The next day, we’ve talked and just a simple explanation, I then easily forgave him. At that time, I can conclude that I was so numb.

The next thing that he had done that caused pain to me once more happened on March 31, 2006 when I was informed the next day on our farewell beach party that my boyfriend slept with a girl. It was the most distressing day that occurred in my life. I was crying the whole night with my friends. It was also my first time to drink alcohol wherein I was drunk because of two glass of Red Horse that I’ve sipped.

But maybe, I was so in love with him because after two days that he had clarified everything to me and said that he loved me that much, I’ve accepted his apology once again. But later on, when I reached the last year of my high school years, I then felt that I was tired with our relationship, that I’ve slowly learned to stop the feelings that I have for him.

That was the time that I promised to myself that once the person that I’ve learned to love doesn’t make me feel that I’m an important person to him, I will gradually oblige myself to stop my feelings for him so that I’ll not be hurt once again. That’s what happened to me and Jan Ryan Cullamat last July 31, 2006 wherein I’ve decided to end our relationship for the third time but it will be for good as what I’ve said to him but that’s when I finally knew that he was deeply in love with me when I saw him crying and he tried to stop from schooling because I broke up with him. But deep inside, I was certain with my decision, no guilt feelings and no worries. I felt sorry for him but what can I do? It was his fault. If he was able to show it to me since from the start that he really loved me, maybe, our relationship never reached to its end.

The last relationship that I’ve encountered happened on January 15, 2007. It was an affair of long distance relationship. He was a first year Accountancy student of UM Bolton living at Buhangin, Davao City. We had our communication through text only and we’ve only seen our faces through Friendster. It was an unbelievable one that once again, I wasn’t able to warn myself and I fell in love again. The reason of the pain is because he has another girl and he promise to me that he will end his relationship towards the other girl but it was really a disappointment to me because he chose not to end his relationship with her. It hurts but I then came to a decision wherein I will be the loser once more. I was able to move on with those heartrending experiences for almost 10 months. I was finally free from the burden that I’ve brought throughout those cruel days when finally he approach me and say sorry to what he’d done to me. I was delighted because his “sorry” was just enough in order for me to recover from the pain that I’m suffering for a longer time.

Every time that I will talk about those distressing happenings in my life, it makes me happy and sad. I am glad because despite the fact that I was always hurt by the persons that I’ve loved, I became a much stronger person and I was able to fight for what is right and ignore for what is wrong. I was sad because I’m still single and I’m kinda jealous with my friends who have their boyfriends. However, I was ignoring the reality that I don’t have a boyfriend who’ll be with me always because I know that I’m not alone and I don’t need a boyfriend for this time because I am with those persons who completes the emptiness that I’ve felt and treasures me and kept me in their hearts and that makes me comfortable. And at this moment, I realize that I was contented in adoring the opposite sex with limited time only. In short, it wasn’t the right time for me to fall once more. If love is meant for me then I’ll accept it but for now, “I’m satisfied and I’m happy that I’m single because at least, there were no worries and no hassles” as to what they say.

The lessons that I’ve learned from those experiences is that first: when we are in a relationship, we should be true to ourselves, if we don’t have feelings for that particular person, we should not take advantage on it or pretend to be in-love with him/her but instead, make him/her realize that you aren’t worth it for his/her love so that he/she will never wait for nothing. Second, if we are going to make a promise, we should not make it just to break it. A promise is a promise, so if you will give a promise to the person, you should do it not just utter it. Third, if you haven’t experienced any relationship and you’re looking for love, don’t ever do it because as stated by the experts, you shouldn’t find love, let love find you. And lastly, as what they’ve said, most of the broken hearts are caused of unsaid feelings so if ever you had feelings for him/her, don’t hesitate to express it and if ever he will ignore you, don’t be upset, you’re not asking him/her to love you back, all you need is the freedom from the untold feelings in your heart.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008