“Mararamdaman mo ang sakit kapag ika’y nag-iisa na.“ amin ng dalagitang nakatulala habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana.
Sa isang kuwarto, sa isang sulok, naroon ang isang dalagang humahagulhol. Nagmumukha na siyang asong ulol. Pilit na pinipigilan ang sarili na mapaiyak pero sadyang patuloy na pumapatak ang mga luhang dulot ng mapait na pag-ibig na nararanasan. Paano maiiwasan ? Paano makakalimutan ? kung saang sulok siya mapatingin ay naroroon ang guni-guni ng kahapon. Siya ay napalunok. Narinig na may kumakatok. Natahimik. Hindi umiimik. Mayamaya’y bumukas. Napapikit dahil sa ilaw na nakabukas. Sinigawan. Binulyawan. Napatalikod. Pilit iniignora ang tensyon sa pagitan ng dalawa. Siya tuloy ay nagmumukhang kawawa. Aakmang aalis. Pero siya’y nagtatagis. Napaupo. Nanlulumo. Nagmamakaawa. Kaawa-awa. Tumayo. Nagpaalam na lalayo. Pinigilan. Walang alinlangan. Itinulak. Lango na sa alak. Iniwan. Nagmumukhang basahan.
Bakit nga ba ka’y pait ng pag-ibig? Puwede bang huwag na itong lumapit ? kung pag-ibig ay sadyang masakit, bakit kailangan pang maramdaman ang hapdi at ang bunga nitong napakalupit?
Napatingin siya sa kawalan ? Pilit inaalala ang mga nagawang kasalanan. Napaiyak. Puso ay mabibiyak. Saka pa naalala ang mga nagawa. Isang araw. Binisita. Sinita. Nagmamakaawa. Mahalin at ito’y maawa. Siya ay buntis. Nasasaktan na ng labis. Siya ay desperada. Lahat ng magagawa ay ipinarada. Humihiling. Siya ay napailing. May iba ng mahal. Siya ay banal. Nagalit at nasuklam. Nagmumukhang mangkukulam. Maghihigante. Kinuha ang kutsilyo sa pahinante. Sumugod. Pinigilan. Hinarangan. Ikaw ay natuwa. Siya’y nasaksak. Ang mahal mo’y bumagsak. Napaiyak. Babae ay iyong binugbog. Dahil siya ang bagong mahal ng iyong iniirog. Ikaw ay tumawa. Ngunit ikaw ngayon ay masama.
Ngunit siya ay nabuhay. Buhay mo ay nawalan na ng kulay. Siya ay lumapit. Ikaw ay napakapit. Niyakap. Ikaw ay nasa alapaap. Patawarin. Napailing dahil ikaw ay salarin. Nagpaliwanag. Ikaw ay nabigyan ng liwanag. Nagising. Naliliyo pa rin dahil sa pagkalasing. Natahimik at napatigil. Dapat sana ay kanyang pinigilan. Hindi tuloy siya ngayon ay nasa kulungan. Tumayo. Humayo. Lumapit. Napapikit. Napatingin sa repleksyon. Binuksan ang salamin. Napangiti. Parang kinikiliti. Tumayo. Umakyat sa bangko. Itinulak. May binabalak. Nasasakal. Mukha ay parang puting asukal. Napaluha. Narinig ang pag-uha. Dahan-dahang napapikit. Hapdi ay nakaukit. Babaeng nakabitin. Saksi ang salamin. Pusong iniwan. Pusong kinalimutan. Pusong tinalikuran. Tanging ang salamin lang ang may alam ng katotohanan.
Ang Lihim sa Likod ng Salamin
Posted by _elated_ at 8:58 PM 0 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
The Truth Hurts
As defined in the dictionary, truth means a fact that has been verified and hurt means the source of pain. For you, how would you define truth and hurt? For me, when these two words are combined, I would define it as Sadness, Distress, Grief, Forfeit, Self-pity, Loneliness and Heartrending.
There are some instances that we are trying to smile and pretend that we are not affected or we are not hurt to discern that the truth is really a painful one. Here are some situations that most of us had undergone:
* Why is it so hard to forget someone who in the first place was never been yours?
* The hardest part of walking away from you is to know that you won’t run after me
* How does it feel to be unnoticed by the person you notice most? It’s like offering your most beautiful portrait to a blind person.
* Sometimes, you have to try not to care no matter how much you do because sometimes, you can mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.
* I asked him, do you love me? He said: let’s just be friends. I asked again, he told me the same answer. Then one day, he said: I love you and I answered: I know because we’re friends right?
* One day, he’ll care for me like I cared for him, one day he’ll miss me like I missed him, one day he’ll love me and I may not feel the same way anymore.
* Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
* Sometimes, we tend to ignore the truth, the pain, and even the consequences without realizing that we are doing it for someone who will ignore us after all.
But despite of this dilemma in our lives, we find it as a lesson for us and to see the brighter side of it and that is: we became much stronger after each distressing days in our lives.
Right now, how do I see love? How do I see this person whose glance was never mine? How can I elude his smile that wasn’t meant for me? How can I forget him who in the first place, never knew me? Even if my heart wants to lead me in love’s journey, I can no longer follow. The wounds have injured me too much that all I am able to do now is just sit and dream. Hope has already left my heart but the nice part is that my strong faith remains. I consider love’s journey a battle where my heart is a soldier who fights for the love I truly believe in.
I have failed many times, but I have a very strong vision of love and
THAT KEEPS ME ALIVE all these years…
Posted by _elated_ at 8:53 PM 0 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
Stop… Look… & … Listen
Stop!... According to the study made by the US researchers, Suicide is the third leading cause of death for adolescents and young adults with age between 15-24 years old (http://www.mentalhelp.net/. It has been found out also that the percentage of those people who committed suicide is rising every year. Why? What’s the reason behind? How can we stop this predicament? First, let’s tackle the persons who are involved in this case. These persons may possibly be your friend, your neighbor, your lover or even the members of your family. Second, some of these people tend to misinterpret the things that are happening around them that’s why they feel like they are alone when the people they’ve been expecting to talk to them or care for them doesn’t even show their concern. Some behaviors which started this kind of feeling are the following: Frustration, Conflict & Adjustment.
Look… around you… Haven’t you observed that a number of people are getting emotional? Why is this so? Some says that it starts with just a simple problem in the house. It may be physical, emotional, mental or financial problem and is later influenced by the environment outside the house. The reason behind these suicidal attempts is just because of “lack of love”. They are longing for this love which they haven’t found from their family, friends or even the one they’ve loved. It is said that when they get to be frustrated or experience some conflicts and adjustments, they became depressed. Depression as explained in Psychology is always accompanied by remorse, feelings of inferiority and apprehension (Beltran, 1996). These people when they regret the things that they have done will make them feel that they are so imperfect and nobody will love them the way they wanted to be loved. Sometimes, when these people felt inferiority, they tend to compare themselves to those persons who are much gifted, more attractive and smarter than them and because of this, they are looking for an outlet to express their feelings through wearing black t-shirts or black eyeliner, listening to emotional songs such as love songs and is isolated in their respective rooms and if they cant bear the feeling anymore, that’s the time when they have decided to put an end to their lives.
Listen… to them… they need you physically, mentally & emotionally or even financially… Don’t dump them… Don’t ever avoid them… Support them… Love them and don’t ever dare not to care for them…
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Posted by _elated_ at 2:38 AM 0 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
Peculiar Kind of Feeling (Is it love or lust?)
How do we differentiate Love from Infatuation? Actually, at first, I was insisting that what I feel is love but I soon found out that it was rather an infatuation. In the article written by Miriam S. Tumangday in the book Health & Home, she had stated some differences between Love & Infatuation and I just took 7 from the 10 distinctions she had given it is because these 7 variations caught my attention.
1.) Love centers on one person only while infatuation tends to consider several persons at the same time. I can say that what I’ve felt right now is just an infatuation because I do like three guys at the same time. I can say that it is love, because just what I have experienced a year ago wherein I was just focused to one person only and I wasn’t attracted to anyone even if someone’s giving his attention to me. In this case, there is really a big difference between the two. It is how you have given your attention to that certain person. If your attention exceeds to another, it is not love, it is otherwise.
2.) Love develops slowly. They say that there is love at first sight but to me it’s not, it is still attraction which develops to infatuation and then it develops to love. You cannot tell that you love a person just the moment that you met him/her. Love develops slowly and not in just a blink of an eye. Because if it is, it’s really an infatuation or rather an attraction.
3.) Love motivates behavior, usually toward positive. Infatuation does the opposite. They say that when you’re in-love with this person, you tend to accept all his flaws and ended up advising him to change his attitudes if it is bad. On the other hand, if you feel is just an infatuation, you tend to insist that what he’s acting is not good and you keep on telling him that you need to change his character immediately or else you will leave him. In this manner, when you feel is just an infatuation, you keep on asserting that you are right and your requests should be granted by your lover. It is really the opposite if you feel is love.
4.) Love is selfless while infatuation is selfish. It is very simple to explain. If it’s infatuation, you’re just thinking of yourself and if it’s love, you don’t actually think about yourself and instead, you’re focusing on your partner.
5.) Love produces security, infatuation insecurity. In infatuation, insecurities really develop which made the relationship full of arguments and conflicts. In contrast, when you’re in-love, you will feel the security from your lover and you will feel that no one can touch nor hurt you.
6.) Love survives separation. Infatuation easily dies when put into distance. It is when you put two lovers into distance, will make you distinguished if they feel is love or just an infatuation. In infatuation, the feeling will easily die because you’re used to see him every now and then whereas if it is love, no matter how far you are with your lover, you can survive it because you trust him and because of this trust, you can really tell that you really love him that much.
7.) If it has to end, love does it slowly. If you’re in-love and it finally reaches to its end, you will really have a hard time upon recovering from the pain because you still cannot accept the fact that he/she has decided to end up your relationship. The love that you feel will fade very slowly because you had to accept and forget what had happened which really take a long time before you finally feel that you already moved on or the feeling has totally gone. If it is just an infatuation, it is totally the opposite because you will be hurt by this person you have liked but just for a few minutes, after that, you will be happy again and you finally forget what had happened to you and to your crush.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Posted by _elated_ at 8:13 PM 1 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
Building Memories
In addition, sometimes, we tend to take for granted those people who care for us, who loved us and never forget us. Let us talk about this movie entitled “50 First Dates” wherein the main character named Lucy who had a problem with her short-term memory and the stage of her memory cannot proceed to long-term memory. In her case, people around her, especially her father and her brother tried their very best just to meet the usual things that Lucy did before she’d undergone with the car accident. Adam Sandler who played the role as the lover of Lucy never stopped courting Lucy even if he’ll gonna do it everyday. It is because he really loved Lucy despite the fact that she cannot remember him after 24 hours.
With this movie, I was really touched because it is a rare one for a guy who will be patiently in-love with a woman who happened to lose her memory and can only remember you for 24 hours. I was crying because I knew that it is really hard in the part of the guy to court Lucy everyday.
This is why at present, I tend to treasure every person who came into my life because I don’t know if someday, these persons will just lost their memory and cannot remember me anymore.
As what the saying goes: “True happiness doesn’t depend on possession or position. It comes from the quality of relationships with the people we love and respect. And these creative meaningful relationships build lasting memories.” Sometimes, we tend to control other people but we should not insist that we owned them just because we do have a relationship. It is not the measure of true happiness but the good memories we have shared throughout the years…
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Posted by _elated_ at 1:14 AM 0 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
Unspoken Affection
What love is? I wonder how it began, where it came from and who the creator is. All I understand about “love” is that it is a powerful word that is said to the people who are very special in your heart. But how can this four letter word a mighty one? Is it when it is said by the people who are special to you and it really affects you and you feel so happy? Or when you’re heart is beating so fast that you can hardly breathe every time he’s with you or maybe you feel like you’re floating in the sky whenever he will ride with you in a car, give you flowers or chocolates or invite you for a date? Is that what love means to you?
Love for me, isn’t just a word that is used by the people in order to get who they like and who they want or it is a way to impress people that you had this capability to go in a relationship. Love is a strong and righteous word. It is a promise to the person that you’re going to treasure and cherish her/him and that promise should not be made if you mean to break it.
Promises are made to be broken as what they say but so far, I didn’t ruined any promise that I’ve made and it really hurts when the one you’d trusted so much are the ones who will make you cry and suffer. It was painful because you’re expecting them to treasure you but then, they will dump you afterwards.
My love life wasn’t that happy. I had gone to four relationships. The longest affair that I had was three months, the two were two months and the other one was two weeks. Weird isn’t it? If it’s a big question that I consider it as a slight love it’s because of my sincerity to the relationship that I had. For considering them as an important person in my life is such a big slapped to me because they we’re not able to show that thing to me.
What is the beginning of my love story? Who are the persons who capture this small heart of mine? And how did those love stories ended? Well, let’s start with the first time that I had experience to have a crush. His name is Kenn Anthony Apique, he was grade three by then and I was a grade one student. I met him because he was my sister’s classmate. He was always invited to my sister’s birthday and every time that I see him, I was blushing or I would run to my room and I will hide under my bed. I was ashamed because my family knows that he’s my crush and they used to tease me whenever he’s in our house but later on, the infatuation has vanished.
I was nine years old when I discover my first love. His name is Florante Bertulfo Jr., my classmate. He was not handsome nor he is taller than me, in short, he was not a kind of person that you’ll get attracted to but he has that so called “sex appeal” that’s why I’m not wondering that many of my classmates including me were captivated by his charm. I was so proud at that time that I fell in love with him and even my classmates knew about my feelings for him however, my puppy love for him has ended when I reached first year high school. I stopped loving him or I should say that I’ve tried to stop my feelings for him when I heard a rumor that he was courting a friend of mine. Well, it was the first time that I felt pain and I shed tears because of a guy. I felt I was unlucky again when I reached my second year in high school and for the second time, I was broken hearted when my crush is courting another friend of mine. I was upset at that time because I feel like I was so unfortunate in terms of love and I thought that all the persons that I’ve learned to love weren’t able to like me and instead they fell in love with my friends.
I’d stopped adoring men for months until I’d reached third year. At that time, suitors came into my life and I wasn’t expecting that because I thought no one dares to like me but I was wrong. They said that they’ve like since we were still in first year. I was innocent about their untruthful speeches and alas, I fell into a two months relationship and my first one. He was a volleyball player or I should say, he is the star player of the volleyball team in our school. Our relationship was not because of love because I was just influenced by my friends to say yes although I felt something for him later on but it wasn’t enough for me to stay in the relationship so I decided to end the affair. That incident was on January 13, 2006 and two days after the break-up, that was Monday, I found out that he has another relationship other than me and I was a little bit angry because he was such a liar when he said that it was only me that he has courted and then, I realize that I never made a wrong decision to end up with him. Two weeks after, my close friend has confessed to me that he has feelings for me and he wants me to be his girlfriend and I refused him because my feelings for him weren’t more than just friendship but then, he asks me for a deal. It was a two weeks deal wherein he will be my boyfriend and I’ll be his girlfriend. At first, I say no once more but he’s begging and then he promised that after the deal, our friendship will stay the same so I said yes and the relationship had gone to two weeks only and as he’d promised, the friendship is still there.
The next relationship was the worst and the anguished relationship that I had although it was the longest affair. It was also the relationship wherein I shed tears every now and then. It was March 3, 2006 that I’ve said “yes” so fast for the first time to my suitor. He was a kind of “torpe” but he was able to confess to me. He was a shy and a quite person that’s why I’ve learned to love him in just a span of time. In addition, he was a religious, kind and an honest person as what they say. That’s why also, I’m expecting that he will not cause pain to me. But the happiness that I’ve felt were stopped for a moment because after two days, I cried because I was embarrassed when I call him to speak with me because I had something to discuss with him and he never showed up that’s why I told his friend that we will have this so called “cool off”. The next day, we’ve talked and just a simple explanation, I then easily forgave him. At that time, I can conclude that I was so numb.
The next thing that he had done that caused pain to me once more happened on March 31, 2006 when I was informed the next day on our farewell beach party that my boyfriend slept with a girl. It was the most distressing day that occurred in my life. I was crying the whole night with my friends. It was also my first time to drink alcohol wherein I was drunk because of two glass of Red Horse that I’ve sipped.
But maybe, I was so in love with him because after two days that he had clarified everything to me and said that he loved me that much, I’ve accepted his apology once again. But later on, when I reached the last year of my high school years, I then felt that I was tired with our relationship, that I’ve slowly learned to stop the feelings that I have for him.
That was the time that I promised to myself that once the person that I’ve learned to love doesn’t make me feel that I’m an important person to him, I will gradually oblige myself to stop my feelings for him so that I’ll not be hurt once again. That’s what happened to me and Jan Ryan Cullamat last July 31, 2006 wherein I’ve decided to end our relationship for the third time but it will be for good as what I’ve said to him but that’s when I finally knew that he was deeply in love with me when I saw him crying and he tried to stop from schooling because I broke up with him. But deep inside, I was certain with my decision, no guilt feelings and no worries. I felt sorry for him but what can I do? It was his fault. If he was able to show it to me since from the start that he really loved me, maybe, our relationship never reached to its end.
The last relationship that I’ve encountered happened on January 15, 2007. It was an affair of long distance relationship. He was a first year Accountancy student of UM Bolton living at Buhangin, Davao City. We had our communication through text only and we’ve only seen our faces through Friendster. It was an unbelievable one that once again, I wasn’t able to warn myself and I fell in love again. The reason of the pain is because he has another girl and he promise to me that he will end his relationship towards the other girl but it was really a disappointment to me because he chose not to end his relationship with her. It hurts but I then came to a decision wherein I will be the loser once more. I was able to move on with those heartrending experiences for almost 10 months. I was finally free from the burden that I’ve brought throughout those cruel days when finally he approach me and say sorry to what he’d done to me. I was delighted because his “sorry” was just enough in order for me to recover from the pain that I’m suffering for a longer time.
Every time that I will talk about those distressing happenings in my life, it makes me happy and sad. I am glad because despite the fact that I was always hurt by the persons that I’ve loved, I became a much stronger person and I was able to fight for what is right and ignore for what is wrong. I was sad because I’m still single and I’m kinda jealous with my friends who have their boyfriends. However, I was ignoring the reality that I don’t have a boyfriend who’ll be with me always because I know that I’m not alone and I don’t need a boyfriend for this time because I am with those persons who completes the emptiness that I’ve felt and treasures me and kept me in their hearts and that makes me comfortable. And at this moment, I realize that I was contented in adoring the opposite sex with limited time only. In short, it wasn’t the right time for me to fall once more. If love is meant for me then I’ll accept it but for now, “I’m satisfied and I’m happy that I’m single because at least, there were no worries and no hassles” as to what they say.
The lessons that I’ve learned from those experiences is that first: when we are in a relationship, we should be true to ourselves, if we don’t have feelings for that particular person, we should not take advantage on it or pretend to be in-love with him/her but instead, make him/her realize that you aren’t worth it for his/her love so that he/she will never wait for nothing. Second, if we are going to make a promise, we should not make it just to break it. A promise is a promise, so if you will give a promise to the person, you should do it not just utter it. Third, if you haven’t experienced any relationship and you’re looking for love, don’t ever do it because as stated by the experts, you shouldn’t find love, let love find you. And lastly, as what they’ve said, most of the broken hearts are caused of unsaid feelings so if ever you had feelings for him/her, don’t hesitate to express it and if ever he will ignore you, don’t be upset, you’re not asking him/her to love you back, all you need is the freedom from the untold feelings in your heart.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Posted by _elated_ at 7:38 PM 0 comments
Labels: anatomy of love
